ruin the friendship

better that than regret it for all time

a while ago, i wrote a poem called he never told me he loved me. it got the most likes any piece of mine has ever gotten, so most of you have probably read it. in the subtitle, i wrote “if this gets 100 likes i’ll send it to him”

and as the like count crept closer and closer, i was left thinking about what’s holding me back.

taylor swift is telling me it’s better than “regretting it for all time.”

113 strangers on the internet are begging me to send it.

and everything i said in that post is 100% true. he taught me more about myself than i could ever learn from someone else.

and in the 8 years of our friendship, he never told me he loved me.

and i’m writing about him like we’re not friends. we are, i will see him again this summer and be reminded of how for 9 years i’ve loved him, and maybe he does love me but he will never say it.

and our friendship is one of my favorites, and it means so much that i wouldn’t risk it for anything.

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because the truth is—i’ve been on the other side of this, with a different guy and it ruined not only one friendship—but an entire friend group.

and to be honest, maybe that friendship needed to be ruined—my life is improved in so many ways since i cut them off. but being on the other side of this made me feel so used, and so objectified.

i was vulnerable and open with him. i shared secrets and emotions i didn’t tell anyone else. but i never felt the need for more. he was my friend. period.

but as many men do, he caught feelings. i wish he liked me because of my humor, my laugh, my kindness, my soul, but he only liked me for my body.

and finding out that he only really liked me because of my body was so harming to my mental health. i felt taken advantage of, and i didn’t trust men for a long time.

i stopped wearing tight shirts around him, and i couldn’t believe that any man would ever like me for me. i believed all men had bad intentions, and that was so damaging for me.

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and while that was a different guy, different situation, and my love for the first guy is so much more than lust, i would never want to put him in the position.

and i honestly think you should never ruin the friendship. a love triangle comes to mind. the summer i turned pretty is a classic example of why you should not ruin the friendship.

when belly considered jeremiah her best friend — their relationship was perfect. they had fun, they shared everything and they were honest with each other.

once they brought romance into it everything complicated and it only led to arguments and relationships being ruined.

it led to manipulation, backwards psychology, lying, and fighting. it led to heartbreak and pain, and a loss of trust and innocence.

another one — luke and lorelai from gilmore girls. while the first few seasons showed their friendship, the banter, the support and the honesty with each other, once they became romantically involved, everything was ruined. they suddenly started fighting more.

they lost the humor, they lost the carefreeness, and it became the stress of a relationship.

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so maybe its fear — that i will ruin the friendship the wrong way.

that all of the fun we had, all of the honesty and emotions we shared, all of the things we wouldn’t do if we were romantically involved.

what i love about him is how free i feel, how carefree i feel, how happy i am, and how i would never trade that for anything.

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